Paper Heart

My heart as paper
My blood as ink
A rhythmic letter
Folded into being.

A paper fish
Swims a furious ocean
Floats with every wish
Graceful in motion.

A paper feline
Roams a wild jungle
With guts and spine
To fight and mingle.

A paper bird
Soaring up and about
Sky high and undeterred
Wherever without doubt.

My heart as paper
My blood as ink
A rhythmic letter
Of fins, claws and wings.

Mad At Disney

I’ve realized that I’ve been quite unnecessarily ‘critical’ of songs lately. Which further validates that maybe I do put an unhealthy amount of thought into things that should really just be enjoyed as they are.

It’s not an ideal world where everything would be accepted as easily. Our minds, with all the brilliance they possess, have ways of working experiences or lessons of our lives into the music we listen to. Or the other way around.

For instance, the other day I was driving with Adele’s Someone Like You on the stereo. I found myself arguing that I’m never going to find ‘someone like you’ for it’s not going to be the same love twice. Love will present itself at my door, in different forms and peculiarities. It might be someone else and someone new, but it’s entirely okay, because it is still Love even if love is not you.

A few days later, Elina’s Wild Enough randomly came up my Spotify playlist. To the wrong person, I’ll never be wild enough. Heck, I’ll never even be enough, whatever ‘enough’ explicates. But to the right person, I’ll never have to be anything more than who I already am. And he’ll always be willing to find and see all the old and new pieces of me.

Earlier today, I heard Mad At Disney by Salem Ilese. A song I cannot relate to, catchy regardless. Life is not a fairytale like how Disney has been depicting it to be. Reality hits much harsher and hurts deeper than what has been portrayed on TV. In real life, prince charming wont be returning your glass shoes on his gallant white horse, you got to chase your own flip-flops down a flooded road when they got carried away during a heavy downpour. And no, nobody saves you from the locked tower but yourself honey because in your own tale, you save yourself, always.

Maybe I should stop analyzing and enjoy music just as it is. It is indeed too bad that my brain wont allow me to do so. My apologies if this particular post ‘ruins’ your listening experience. Do enjoy every music that serenades your ears and hearts and may the beats calm and heal your pain and broken pieces.

Notes From Pamukkale

Amidst dusk
Overlooking the horizon
Under skies so vast
She stood chilled
Feet nearly frozen.

Warmth was her heart
Blanketed with moments
Of falling apart
Of words unspoken
Of a fresh start
Of a future to awaken.

Four thousand miles away
On a setting profoundly wonderful
She vowed to remember
That wondrous day
And always be thankful
For some things may go astray
Yet life remains ever so beautiful.

This piece is originated from one my fondest memories of 2018. I can still vividly remember the color of the sky, the misty dusk and how chilly the stone on which my feet stood. I pray that I’ll be back one fine day in the future to do it all over again.

How Are You?

We get this question every other day.

It’s almost a courtesy to ask people how they’re doing, when we’ve not seen or meet them for a long time. More so now that the whole world is going through this pandemic.

Our perception of this question is usually as simple as it sounded regardless of how complicated our life is at that moment. So we answered simply with, ‘I’m doing just fine.’

Maybe we’ve bumped into a familiar face once in a while at the mall and assured each other that we’re doing okay. Maybe we had a hard and stressful time at work and refused to talk about it with anybody. Maybe our relationship with our loved ones were on the brink of collapsing but we felt that nobody needs to know that. Maybe we thought that our depressed episodes should not be of another’s concern.

Hence, we summarise our days or weeks or months – all the good, bad and ugly – into one effortless answer ; I AM FINE.

When sadly, deep down we know that we’re surely not, not exactly, maybe not even close.

Imagine if ‘how are you?’ is actually ‘how is your heart/soul doing?‘.

Imagine that people were really sincerely checking out on us, and not just asking out of common courtesy. Surely, ‘I AM FINE‘ wont suffice and wont do justice as an answer.

Because our hearts may be weary and our souls exhausted. Because we may be on the verge of breaking down. Because life may just be a repetitive cycle of mundanes. Because we may no longer find the strength to chase after our life-long dreams. Because after all that we’ve been through, we may felt like there are no other options except for giving up.

If that’s the case then truly, we’re not fine at all.

Hectic schedules in our daily lives may cause us to abandon our true feelings and deep thoughts. In order to maintain healthier emotional levels, it is super important for us to regularly recognise and acknowledge the contents of our own hearts and soul. Once acknowledged, we can further determine the cure to our brokenness, to fill the gaps of all cracks and hollows.

I’d like to think that the current pandemic – in all it’s seemingly never-ending quarantine time and tedious queuing at the store – to be a surprisingly humbling and introspective experience.

For we now have ample time to contemplate deeply within ourselves. In the confinements of our own abode, in the wee hours of silence when the world goes to sleep, we may find ourselves alone and at peace with our feelings and thoughts through meditation and ultimately, through prayer.

It’s definitely not an easy task. But whats worthy are never easy.

It takes more courage to examine the dark corners of your own soul than it does for a soldier to fight on a battlefield.

W.B. Yeats

May we be given strength and courage to delve deep within our beings and confront the demons that has been wreaking havoc on our faith in all things that are good and positive in our lives. And when the time comes, may we finally be able to say that we are absolutely fine with unquestionable confidence and clarity.

Day 22

Today marks the 22nd day of RMO (Restricted Movement Order) in Malaysia. Supposedly, it will end in another week, on 14th of April. But then, people are saying that the RMO might be extended to an unknown date.

I’ve been working from home ever since March 18th. To be completely honest, before this whole COVID-19 thing struck us all, whenever I needed to work overtime during the weekends, I’ve always preferred to work in the office. Working from home comes with distractions, even to me who’s single and should not worry about kids being noisy and needing undivided attention. But yeah, there’s the comfy bed to take into consideration.

Anyways, as a hermit who have had no problems whatsoever ‘caving’ at home, I’m finding being stuck at home for 22 days now, a wee bit suffocating. Sure, there are many things to be done at home, like reading, catching up on TV series and even trying new recipes (which I’m not really up to). However, I find myself distracted on each and everything that I do. When I’m reading, I find myself wanting to watch a movie. When I’m working I find myself wanting to read. When I’m watching a movie, I find myself wanting to hit the bed and sleep. And ultimately, I find myself yearning to be elsewhere, in a different continent thousands of miles away, just anywhere but home.

Basically, everything felt wrong and I’m feeling more languid than ever. Day by day passed by in dreamlike rapidity, like I’m in a slumber.

I’ve realised that it’s one thing to choose to stay at home but it’s another to be forced to stay home and denied exit. I guess we should all appreciate the time when movements were free and we could go anywhere and meet anyone.

If you’re reading this, wherever you are in this world, however you’re feeling and whoever you’re with, may you always be healthy and safe. And may all of us find strength and positivity in these trying times we’re living in.