Rolling stone.

I’m someone that hates changes. Okay, maybe the word ‘hate’ is a little too strong. Let’s rephrase that.

I’m someone who doesn’t fancy changes.

Hence, I live a pretty boring and monotonous life.

Personally, routine activities are a convenience for me. I feel somewhat ‘safe’ and comfortable doing the same thing and I can stay in particular places for a long and maybe unhealthy amount of time, I suppose. Getting to know people consumes a lot of time on my part due to my socially-awkward character, so I guess it’s okay after all to stay longer while making friends and acquaintances.

But deep in my heart, I wish to live a nomadic life. A life that requires me to travel a lot, from one place to another, which is contradictory to my nature of being. The idea of being able to live at multiple places throughout my life, excites me for just thinking about it. However, it also scares me a little.

I suppose people who live a nomadic life, survive through freelance jobs. Living requires money and without a job it might be hard to survive in the real world. For me, if I were to live a nomadic life, I’d be a writer or an artist (once I’ve perfected my portrait-drawing skills) or a translator (once I’ve perfected my language skills). Or any profession that does not require permanent residency.

Where I’m gonna live? I’ve written in one of my posts before, about how I yearn to live in a loft/anywhere with magnificent views of sunsets and sunrises. Tiny apartments in big cities, small cottages in the countryside, you name it. I’m up. I love the idea of me being that adventurous.

Living life without a ‘home base’ sounds pretty intimidating, but that’s what being a nomad means. Where would I call ‘home’? Am I ever gonna be ‘homesick’ if I have no home? What would I miss more, the food, the faces or the smell of the air I breathe? I guess, home will be wherever my heart is. And that means everywhere I’ve been to.

Experiences are one of the things that I value most in life. Like respect, it is to be gained. It is up to our choices for each and every experience that we go through. We seek it like we seek truth. Because somehow the truth reveals with experience. And life is a supreme platform for gaining experiences.

Maybe I’ll never get to live a nomadic life, maybe I will. Whatever happens, I’m here. Living life, breathing, eating, overthinking and stepping forward. I’ll take it all in, rolling or not rolling.

Here’s to better adaptability in the future. Here’s to more change.

CR: Perfume by Patrick Suskind, pg. 99/263.

Moment of kindness.

As a Muslim, I believe in kifarah. Kifarah is basically an Islamic term for karma. ‘What goes around comes around’. The good deeds that you do are the start of a cycle and a chain reaction that affect mankind, inadvertently. You may not experience the reward instantly, but eventually.

I’m gonna tell about a random moment of kindness that I’ve just experienced sometime around last month (or maybe last two months). I’m currently residing in an over-packed high-residential area where parking spots have always been the greatest hassle. It was always packed, and my last and most convenient resort is to double-park (no worries, I put my gear on neutral and have the handbrake down). I’ve always and still go out to work pretty early, way earlier than I should have, because I’m a nerd who live by the rules and routines (orz). Anyways, it’s almost never a problem for me when I double-park as I go out earlier than most people, so all I gotta do is start the engine and go.

However, that one fine day, my car was stucked in between 2 other cars (which was also double-parked) which was usually fine, but this time they were a little too closely parked to mine, bumper against bumper. And there was no way I could move my car except to push those 2 cars to a certain distance where I can make my way out. Given that those 2 cars were Kancil or Myvi or anything of that sort, I might be able to push with some effort. Unfortunately for me, they were sedans.

And shamefully, my ‘kudrat’/ strength as a girl (who have maybe about 20% body muscle) is not that strong to push 2 sedans out of the way. *facepalm*

Anyways, an uncle who was, I guess, rushing to work as well and was just pushing some cars which was double-parked in front of his, saw me. And he was just shaking his head and gave a faint smile (macam nak cakap ‘haihh kesian’ & ‘gerenti kau tak boleh tolak’) and went straight into his car to warm the engine. But somehow, maybe after witnessing my failure and how the 2 sedans did not even budged when I tried pushing, he rushed out of his car, and came to my rescue.

He was all like, ‘you pergi start engine‘ and started pushing those 2 sedans out of the way, which only took him seconds. *lol* I thanked him repeatedly, and could not have imagined if nobody was there to help, I might be late to work. Or simply call for Uber/Grab. Thank God for that uncle. I dont know who he was (although I do recognize his car), but I prayed that whatever his business, it will be eased just like he eased my way to work.

On the other hand, this reminds me that I really need to work on my muscles.

CR: Perfume by Patrick Suskind.

Earworm.

I’ve had this thing when songs or music somehow define my feelings when I was at certain places. Something like a nostalgic flashback of when I was there, on what I was doing.

I’d associate the songs I was listening to on my way to any respective places and mark it as a memory. So that the next time I listened to that particular song, my mind will definitely wander back to that associated place.

It’s been more than a month since my trip to Bali. And as much as it ridicules me to admit this, I’m actually missing the place. The trip was not exactly amazing due to a couple of reasons, one of them including myself being reprimanded at Bali Airport on arrival for being a first-timer there. *roll-eyes*

Anyways, I’ve had a stressful month at work and that trip was kinda like a reward to myself, some sort of a short getaway. And I’m not even kidding about it being short. What would you expect from a 3-day trip to Bali? Well I can now say, not much. But still, I got to calm my ass down for those 3 days and let go of commitments at the office.

And I can now demand another place for honeymoon from my future husband because dude I’ve been to Bali.

I remembered taking a half-day leave from work to catch the flight to Bali. Took the ERL from TBS all the way to KLIA2. And that’s when I heard this particular song, a song that has been stucked in my head till now. A song I didn’t know it’s title until one day it randomly pops up while I was listening to some ‘Chill Hits’ on Spotify.

It was Zedd’s ft Alessia Cara, Stay.

They had that song at the mini TV? (idk what it’s supposed to be called) in the ERL. It was on loop and that was my first time listening to it. Did not gave it much thought.

But now, whenever I missed Bali, this song would just pops up in my head. And I’d miss Bali even more. Damn, the power of music.

Anyways, I guess I just missed being able to escape the stress and bullshit at work. How do people go through their life doing similar routine activities? I had to constantly tell myself that I have something to look forward to at the end of every week (that is not related to work), just so I can calm myself down. Just so I can feel like I actually have a life and I’m not a workaholic. Just so that I can keep myself, well, sane.

Life is indeed a tough crowd.

CR: A Clockwork Orange,by Anthony Burgess, pg. Introduction.

Playlist of the week.

My week has been pretty boring and monotonous. Work has been slow and a wee bit relaxing after 2 weeks of rushing for tender. That’s definitely a relief on my part.

However as someone who listens to music pretty much on a daily basis regardless of my mood (an activity I’m not entirely proud of doing), I guess I’m just going to share the songs/music I’ve been shoving into my ears for this particular week.

Playlist of The Week

Enjoy and hope you guys find some good new music from it (though I highly doubt that).

CR: The Trial by Franz Kafka, pg 53/182.

All grown up.

As I’m writing this, my mind keeps on recalling the lyrics of Taylor Swift’s Never Grow Up, a song I used to constantly sing back when I was 17 years old. Back when I was literally living a hell of a life, back when I pushed myself through different types of crap shuffling in between getting myself kicked out of school, being a failure, being in denial of being a failure and questioning myself daily and excessively on which definition of a human being I was supposed to be.

God bless that golden age.

Growing up is a matter of perspective. Same goes for being childish. Each and every grown up should have a little child in them.

No, allow me to re-phrase that.

Each and every grown up should have, if not much, at least one thing, that brings out the child in them.

Search for it within yourself and give it a name. Does not matter if it’s an ice-cream, a balloon, video games, fairy tales, cartoons, old cards, a cup of hot Milo in the morning, a glass of milk at night, an old sketching from an early childhood, a photograph from your first trip to the pool, that report card from school that used to give you nags or rewards, the first storybook, that shy gorgeous boyish smile that seemed to hold the secrets of the Universe from your first love back in Primary 3, your first pet, that first Kad Raya you used to exchange with friends from class and a teeny-tiny 10sen attached in between the folds.

All those good times, sweet memories, layback moments, shrilling shouts, girly giggles before commitments and responsibilities came crashing in.

So, when was the first time I felt like a grown up?

I cannot answer that, not definitely.

Maybe on September last year when I first had a go at this ‘seems bloody exciting at first but not so much after a while‘ thing called work. Maybe for the past 2 weeks I spent without any weekends, concentrating on a seemingly endless task at the office. Maybe when I no longer have that privilege called time to catch up on TV series and Korean dramas, video games and even books. Maybe I pulled the panic cord maybe you were happy I was bored maybe I wanted you to change maybe I’m the one to blame (see what I did there).

Maybe when I started thinking in silent and out loud, about the future.

THE FUTURE.

That endless, long winding list of the what ifs and the it would be great ifs.

Let’s just cut this morbid crap and admit that I am in denial of growing up and growing old. I think everyone is. At some points in your life, you just wished that time would stop and you would stay that way forever. Stay at the age where heartbreaks, sadness, stress and discrimination have not even existed yet in your dictionary of life.

But then again, one of the many things that always reminds to never forgetting being a child is Le Petit Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupery. The book have taught me sooo much about the feelings I’ve forgotten as I grew up to be who I am today. That child-like curiosity about almost everything and how a child will never let anything stand in his way of achieving what he wants even if he understands nothing. And to put his heart in everything, because:

   

And for that, he’ll make a wonderful grown up.

CR: The Trial by Franz Kafka, pg 53/182.

Places.

Concrete jungles, hands down.

Regardless of the nature of cities being bustling and hectic all the time, I’d still prefer living my life in them as compared to you know, by the sea-side or among the smell of greenery somewhere in the countryside.

If I were really, really ridiculously wealthy, I wouldnt buy a mansion, just tiny apartments in every city I love. – Mara Wilson

I cannot exactly explain how I could always somewhat find my peace and the surprising calmness amidst a surrounding that have always been known by most to offer none. All I know is being a part of something huge and the convenience of having almost everything easily accessible within my reach.

I remembered just sitting in the train or subway, and let it bring me from one end to another while I witness the growth of the city with my own eyes. I remembered joining in an educational visit to the rooftop of the Binjai tower with a couple of friends from class and getting the wrong building for an interview at the headquarters of JKR as a blessing in disguise as we were able to experience the magnificent view of Kuala Lumpur. I remembered the night view with the colors of lights from when I was at Double Tree by Hilton, that one time having sungkei with my family.

I’ve always imagined what the view would be like at the top floor of the Petronas Twin Towers. I’ve yet to reach the sky bridge connecting both towers even though I’ve been planning to do so for quite some time considering my frequent visits to KLCC.

So whenever I got questions asking me where I’d like to live my life, I’d certainly say the city. And being a realist and a very logically-thinking person, I’d choose the close vicinity of a city to most facilities rather than the sweet calmness offered by the beach or the fresh unpolluted air in the woods. I’m just not a nature-lover. I do love being among nature for once in a while but I dont think I can survive in it.

That being said, one of my biggest dreams that I have yet to achieve (or nearly impossible to achieve considering me being an 87% realist and 123% procrastinator) is to live in a loft. Somewhere in any city where I can witness the ever-magical view of dawn and sunset from my bed, somewhere I can just stare outside my window at the numbing sound of 3am when the city goes to sleep and ultimately, somewhere I can just easily get chicken nuggets in a couple of minutes so that I can Netflix and chill in content.

A rooftop with a greenhouse would be a massive plus.

I guess basically rooftops are one of my favorite places on Earth. And I have all the TV series and films to thank for putting these ideas and pretty views in me.

Beastly (2011)

Like how Kyle built a greenhouse from scratch and filled it with roses and shit to win over Lindy’s heart. He even proceed to reading her some sort of a poem right there and it was cinematic-ally beautiful.

Friends With Benefits (2011)

Remember when Jamie showed Dylan her favorite place on Earth after his interview and he ruined it later on when they had a fight at the same place about how Dylan told his mom about how Jamie is emotionally damaged when she indeed admitted being one? It was at the rooftop of 101 Park Avenue.

How I Met Your Mother/The Robin

Or when Barney confesses his love to Robin in the probably one of the most geniusly- scripted screenplay in my history of watching a bunch of TV series. This was like the only episode in HIMYM that have managed to move me to tears. Oh wait, then there was the one when Robin talked to her imaginary kids after realizing that she could not conceive any.

And etc.

If only I can have access to each and every rooftop in the world. I’d very much love the view. I wonder in 2-5 years from now, am I going to share these views I had in mind with someone that I cherish or will I just enjoy them alone?

I guess it wont matter either way.

CR: The Trial by Franz Kafka, pg 35/182.

Far from normal.

Perceptions differ. Mine would not be the same as yours. My perception of myself have always been more on the negative side due to several reasons. But as someone who constantly reflects over every single act and every single word I utter, I try to be the better human being.

I used to think and proclaim myself as somewhat odd, maybe more towards the weird side. I was at that point in my life where I aspired to be different. To shine, to be at least the dime in a dozen (I failed terribly at this). But as I grow up, I figured that I’m just like you. That there are a whole lot of other people who think alike/have similar hobbies/are more talented. Basically, growing up taught me that the world does not revolve around me and only me. The world is vast and full of interesting, unique and inspiring people, most of whom I have not yet met.

That being said, 3-5 years ago, if I were to write on the qualities that I find odd/unique in me, I’d have wrote down mere typical ones that makes you go ‘Ahhh, me too’/’What’s so unique about that?’.

But then again, no matter how different I think I am from the rest of the world’s population, there are definitely something that I can relate to them. Like how we hate the same flavor of ice-cream or how we love the same smell of perfume. Like how we’re all imperfect, in our own way.

To view my life as an outsider , I’d say my ‘odd’ qualities being:

1. Sombong

I kinda envy those who constantly looked cheerful and friendly even when they’re not smiling. Those who looked like their life are all rainbows and ice-creams and unicorns. My face on normal days, would looked like a resting bitch face, after going through 100 different types of crap. My face on bad days would be worse. 

I can go through weeks without talking to anybody (been there, done that). Basically, I have no problem surviving without any social interactions. I tend to be very quiet on first meetings due to my socially awkward nature. And I’m also not a conversation starter though I’m trying my best to be one lately. So, as an outsider who just knew me for a couple of minutes, I’ll easily get this particular label- sombong.

2. Wear the same clothes.

I have this habit of not giving a shit on what I wear. And I dont own a lot of clothes unlike other girls my age. Looking into my life as an outsider, I might be a cheapskate/broke when truthfully, I’m just comfortable with all the clothes I have and I’d rather wear comfortable ones as compared to new ones. I wore the same clothes to class for a span of 5 years during my Uni years. Pretty sure my classmates and those who knew me could easily recognize me based on the clothes I constantly wore. I wore similar ones to class and when I hung out with friends. Like my mom used to say (still is), ‘Kamu ni macam dah takde baju lain ke?’ LOL.

That being said, I rarely shop for clothes even now when I’m already working and are able to pay for the stuff I buy.

3. Scarred.

I have a bow tie-shaped keloid scar on my left hand. Got it since 15 years ago when it was barely visible.

Since I hide my scar under my hand-socks, an outsider wont be able to notice it, unless he/she look very closely. Even my classmates of 2 years did not know about it until I showed them.

I once joked about how if I went missing, one of the most obvious signs that people can search for to find me is my keloid scar. Because keloid usually grows on earlobes/chest areas (basically from the chest & upper levels of the body) but mine just decides to grow at the back of my injured left hand due to a small bicycle accident near my house.

4. Dreams

I’ve had vivid dreams. I dream even during 5-10 minutes nap. And at times, they come in series. Like once, I  dreamed and suddenly jolted awake and went back to sleep after a couple of minutes, the dream continued from when it stopped.

I’ve met people who could not remember their dreams. Some even claimed they never dreamt at all. I’d love to be the latter.

5. Memory

I can remember life moments from as early as when I was 5 years old. I dont forget people’s face and their names easily. So if we used to go to the same school, you might not remember me but I do remember you. I always do and I’m very thankful for that.

6. Hair

I stopped combing my hair somewhere around 10 years ago. I dont even own a hair comb.

Why? Because I can. And my hair turned out okay.

 

To conclude, am I far from normal? Nah, I dont think so. Maybe just a wee bit freaky here and there. Hey even if I’m not, let’s just pretend that I am, okay?

🙂

“Everybody just pretend to be normal”- Little Miss Sunshine (2006)

 

CR: The Trial by Franz Kafka, pg 2/182.