Before I Go To Sleep

*This is not exactly a review. It’s more to sharing my thoughts after reading.

My first read for 2019 is a thriller novel.

Come to think of it, I haven’t read any thriller for quite some time. My read list last year did not really include any. Let’s just say that beginning 2019 with a thriller, a good one at that too, is so refreshing to my reading palate.

Before I begin, I bought the book for RM 6.00 during the Big Bad Wolf book sale last year. The movie adaptation is still in my hard disk, untouched and I didn’t know that it’s actually an adaptation from a book. So, when I saw the novel among probably a hundred of other novels in the Bargain section, I instinctively grabbed it. No regrets.

Before I Go To Sleep by S.J. Watson tells the story of a woman suffering from memory loss due to head trauma, where she wakes up everyday with no recall of the past. Basically, her memory will only retain for a day and once she goes to sleep she’ll forget everything when she wakes up the next day. She wakes up with zero idea about her identity EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. With no recall of the past and of her own life history, she had to trust the people around her. Question is, can they be trusted? *cues suspenseful music*

Scary stuff.

I have mixed feelings about this whole story and the notion of memories.

The greatest heart disease is a strong memory. – Nizar Qabbani

Our brains and our hearts are somehow connected. Sometimes, the heart reigns supreme over the brain and vice versa. Those with strong memory may remember moments that has long passed. The beautiful memories are what we hold dear in our hearts; we let them flutter like colorful butterflies in a Summers day. As for the bad and ugly ones, the ones we try so hard to vanquish, more often than not occupy our hearts uninvited, like parasites feeding of the wound and filling in the cracks.

How do one let go of a dark past when it’s hardly forgotten? How hard it must be to heal a heart with a mind that remembers everything.

Reading Before I Go To Sleep awakened a new thought to me. It’s frightening to not remember. Because our memory is our identity. We are who we remember being. We exist because we have our memories regardless of our past. Without memories, who are we? Nobody. 

I mean, having a dark past is definitely not favorable but it’s better than not being able to remember the past at all. Our hearts suffer with bad memories but our whole being suffer without an identity.

Our memories made up who we are. We might wish to forget the bad memories and be left with great ones, but I believe that all the good, bad and ugly moments are the flavors of life and they make life worth living.

One thought on “Before I Go To Sleep

  1. First I must say that when ‘Catpucino’ showed up in my notifications this morning, it made me smile. Great name. 😊 “…we let them flutter like colorful butterflies in a Summers day…” I love the image this evokes in the mind. You are right about the problem of memory – we remember too much and don’t understand that it’s important to actively forget things so we can remain creative and happy in our lives. I too wrote a post about this after having to come to terms with my own heartache. I wish you a lovely day 😊

    Liked by 1 person

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