Fear no more.

I’ve had several activities/things that I’m quite scared to do.

  1. Riding a bicycle.

Back when I was a kid, I used to love riding my bicycle around my housing area. But I got into a minor accident that scarred me for life. Ever since that incident, I no longer ride. I guess a part of it was because I was growing up and got interested in some other fun stuff while another part of it was maybe I got pretty scared that I’ll get into another accident and possibly, scar myself again. Flash forward to my visit to Bali, when I tried to rent a bicycle to ride along the beach, I realized that I can no longer ride, at least not properly. I remembered bracing myself up, holding the handle bar and tried to pedal a few cycles, but could not actually find my balance. My mind kept on rewinding that fateful moment around 12 years ago, when I fell from my bicycle and I could picture the scar still there, quietly hidden under my sleeves. So, I stopped and ended up just strolling along the beach that day.

The funny thing is that, I passed and got my motorcycle license when I was 17. Which makes all of it ridiculous as I cant even make myself properly and confidently ride a bicycle today.

2. Snorkeling.

Another activity that I’m pretty scared to do is snorkeling. I guess I just have a mild Thalassophobia, which is a type of phobia of the sea. I always have this scary thrilling imagination that what if I’m stranded in the middle of the sea and there’re sharks/any weird deep sea creature ready to devour me whole, not to mention sea storm and sea chasms. I blame all the films that help visualize those nerve-ending scenes in my head. All my life I’ve only been snorkeling once. And it was last year when I joined a ‘team building’ trip to Perhentian Island. So, yeah I basically tried to overcome that so-called phobia and threw myself into the sea, with a life jacket that actually helped to calm me down for a little bit. I remembered when we reached the Turtle Stop there were like a hundred of us just floating in the sea and I almost refuse to climb down the boat but eventually did while telling one of the people there to go with me as I was scared. It was kind of a waste though as I could not see anything except for the deep greenish water. Apparently, the sea turtles got scared seeing a huge bunch of people and decided to not show themselves up. We almost got carried away by waves at the Shark Stop, which was another stop that I was skeptical of going to but since the guide told us that the sharks are all ‘baby sharks’ (doo doo dood doo doo doo), I ended up going anyways. And it was another waste as there were no sharks there, most probably hiding somewhere among the stones or whatever. The scary thing was that the waves at that area was bigger than the other areas. And we’ve been using our muscles quite a lot in other areas so we almost got carried away that the guide had to threw a rope from the boat while a number of us had to cling on that rope while he pulled us back to safety. That was one strong and well built guide there.

Anyhow, I’m pretty proud of myself for taking up the ‘challenge’ and succeeding. The thought of another future trip scares me a little, but I won’t mind trying again.

3. Falling in love.

I find it funny that ordinarily, most people are scared of being alone while I’m scared of  the opposite. I do not mind being alone as I’ve been alone most of my life. In fact, I prefer being alone with myself and my thoughts. I do have friends that I speak to once in a while or when I really need minor consultations etc but they’re just a small number, like less than 5 people. And they’re the people I’m really comfortable being around with. They’re pretty damn special.

Honestly, I do not see myself ready to commit to any serious relationships and they say ‘Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely’ which I strongly agree with. And I most definitely don’t need a guy that’s going to waltz in my life with flowers and chocolates and unicorns whatever and tell me he does not love me anymore after 5 years, or two months or worse, a week.

And I’ve personally known people who after years of marriage, got divorced as the husband turned out to be an abusive cheating selfish asshole which in return left their kids in a horrible state. Whatever happened to forever after, in sickness and in health, through the good, bad and ugly?

I want forever yet all around love screams temporary.

So I promise myself to not fall in love before I find the love of forever. And I’m keeping my word. When the time comes, I hope I’ll love truly and incandescently.

I hope you do too.

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