Far from normal.

Perceptions differ. Mine would not be the same as yours. My perception of myself have always been more on the negative side due to several reasons. But as someone who constantly reflects over every single act and every single word I utter, I try to be the better human being.

I used to think and proclaim myself as somewhat odd, maybe more towards the weird side. I was at that point in my life where I aspired to be different. To shine, to be at least the dime in a dozen (I failed terribly at this). But as I grow up, I figured that I’m just like you. That there are a whole lot of other people who think alike/have similar hobbies/are more talented. Basically, growing up taught me that the world does not revolve around me and only me. The world is vast and full of interesting, unique and inspiring people, most of whom I have not yet met.

That being said, 3-5 years ago, if I were to write on the qualities that I find odd/unique in me, I’d have wrote down mere typical ones that makes you go ‘Ahhh, me too’/’What’s so unique about that?’.

But then again, no matter how different I think I am from the rest of the world’s population, there are definitely something that I can relate to them. Like how we hate the same flavor of ice-cream or how we love the same smell of perfume. Like how we’re all imperfect, in our own way.

To view my life as an outsider , I’d say my ‘odd’ qualities being:

  1. Sombong

I kinda envy those who constantly looked cheerful and friendly even when they’re not smiling. Those who looked like their life are all rainbows and ice-creams and unicorns. My face on normal days, would looked like a resting bitch face, after going through 100 different types of crap. My face on bad days would be worse

I can go through weeks without talking to anybody (been there, done that). Basically, I have no problem surviving without any social interactions. I tend to be very quiet on first meetings due to my socially awkward nature. And I’m also not a conversation starter though I’m trying my best to be one lately. So, as an outsider who just knew me for a couple of minutes, I’ll easily get this particular label- sombong.

2. Wear the same clothes.

I have this habit of not giving a shit on what I wear. And I dont own a lot of clothes unlike other girls my age. Looking into my life as an outsider, I might be a cheapskate/broke when truthfully, I’m just comfortable with all the clothes I have and I’d rather wear comfortable ones as compared to new ones. I wore the same clothes to class for a span of 5 years during my Uni years. Pretty sure my classmates and those who knew me could easily recognize me based on the clothes I constantly wore. I wore similar ones to class and when I hung out with friends. Like my mom used to say (still is), ‘Kamu ni macam dah takde baju lain ke?’ LOL.

That being said, I rarely shop for clothes even now when I’m already working and are able to pay for the stuff I buy.

3. Scarred.

I have a bow tie-shaped keloid scar on my left hand. Got it since 15 years ago when it was barely visible.

Since I hide my scar under my hand-socks, an outsider wont be able to notice it, unless he/she look very closely. Even my classmates of 2 years did not know about it until I showed them.

I once joked about how if I went missing, one of the most obvious signs that people can search for to find me is my keloid scar. Because keloid usually grows on earlobes/chest areas (basically from the chest & upper levels of the body) but mine just decides to grow at the back of my injured left hand due to a small bicycle accident near my house.

4. Dreams

I’ve had vivid dreams. I dream even during 5-10 minutes nap. And at times, they come in series. Like once, I  dreamed and suddenly jolted awake and went back to sleep after a couple of minutes, the dream continued from when it stopped.

I’ve met people who could not remember their dreams. Some even claimed they never dreamt at all. I’d love to be the latter.

5. Memory

I can remember life moments from as early as when I was 5 years old. I dont forget people’s face and their names easily. So if we used to go to the same school, you might not remember me but I do remember you. I always do and I’m very thankful for that.

6. Hair

I stopped combing my hair somewhere around 10 years ago. I dont even own a hair comb.

Why? Because I can. And my hair turned out okay.

 

To conclude, am I far from normal? Nah, I dont think so. Maybe just a wee bit freaky here and there. Hey even if I’m not, let’s just pretend that I am, okay?

🙂

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“Everybody just pretend to be normal”- Little Miss Sunshine (2006)

 

CR: The Trial by Franz Kafka, pg 2/182.

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Call me, maybe.

In a world of technology and never-ending evolution, having a smartphone is considered a must. The universe is literally just one click away. What a convenient era to live in.

Every time I’m riding on the train or waiting for the bus, sometimes even when I’m in the lift at work, people were just bending their heads down, staring at their smartphones, scrolling and scrolling without limits. Sometimes scowls on their faces, sometimes just slow shakes of their heads, most probably trying to fathom everything they’ve just read or witness from their soc-meds or emails.

I have an unhealthy amount of trust issues to be scrolling through my soc-meds in public, given that in a fully-packed train where a person can thoroughly inspect the contains of woman’s handbags with just one look, worst if the train suddenly decides to jolt you may (God forbid) end up kissing the person whose standing in front of you. I’d rather plug in my earphones and blast the music away (although in the subway music is kind of useless) (due to the shrilling, deafening sound of steel rubbing against each other). If you decide to scroll through your soc-meds in a fully-packed train, get ready to unintentionally share the view with the person beside/in front/behind you.

Regardless of all the conveniences and brilliance of smartphones, it is a sad reality to be in, knowing that we’re literally the slaves of technology. People are more concerned about looking at everything through pixels rather than learning to enjoy the moments that their in. I remembered going for a team building trip to Perhentian Island last year, the first step on the luminous sands with a scenic view of the crystal clear sea water by the beach, and almost everyone was taking out their smartphones and pulling their friends close for selfies. People are ‘checking in’ on their soc-meds accounts and posting up status updates.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, I admit. For a memory that consistently falters and forgets, it is always a great idea to keep everything in the form of photos and videos so that 5 years in the future, they will be the living proofs of the haves and the could haves. Photos to share with closed ones as a remembrance of happy joyful days. That is the motives of keeping photo albums back then when smartphones have not yet existed.

Personally, as a person who does not let social medias dictate and define who I am or what I feel, my smartphone is just a medium for communication with the people who matters in my life. I use my phone to call and text my family and friends, group discussions through Whatsapp (ranging from primary school friends to work colleagues), Youtube whenever I felt like watching ‘how to’ videos as well as K-pops, Tumblr ( which I dont use much since it consumes way too much mobile data), Sudoku (occasionally when I dont have a book with me) and Gmail for work purposes. Sounded like I’m living a boring life, huh?

That being said, I almost never uses a power bank  since my smartphone battery may last for a good full day if I dont have to communicate through any medium stated above. I’d say I lived my life pretty much, dully as compared to most people my age. I dont have an Instagram account where I could possibly share countless photos on who I met, the places I’ve been to, that fireworks I recorded from my window that seems to serve no purpose at all, or the good food I enjoy with my loved ones. I no longer feel the need to share my discontent or joy about life on Twitter.

Fret not, because I prefer to record each and every single details of moments I’ve been in with the people I’m with at particular places, descriptively, in my journal or right here in my blog. Writing things have been a habit for me to remember and it has proven to be an effective method. It’s entirely okay to not have or post pictures as proofs, who needs them anyways. As long as it happened, and I’ve jot them down in words in exchange to each and every feelings I’ve kept dear in my heart, it happened. I have no need for the conformity of others on the moments I personally cherish.

It is fairly difficult to master the art of ‘living in the moment’ when we’re constantly surrounded by technologies. I’m learning one step at the time to free myself from this cage where everything I do involves the use of technology. Heck, I’m even writing this post with the help of technology.  It must be great to be able to live off the grid as much as it is spectacular to have everything in the palms of our hands.

Imagine being able to talk to your parents face to face, while having dinner together at home. Imagine riding a train where everybody decides to stare out the window and enjoy the view and with a serene look on their faces. Imagine strolling down the beach, hand-in-hand with your significant other, without a damn care on what the world thinks. Imagine just laughing out loud and chatting away with friends while having tea and cookies in cafe somewhere in the city. Imagine just basking under the sunlight back in your own yard or garden and enjoying every sound of nature while the evening lasts.

Imagine the world without technology.

CR: The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde, pg 90/224.